Navigating the Emotional Landscape of a Cancer Diagnosis: My Personal Journey

reflections of my cancer experience

I know that people use to say that life is a roller-coaster, that is what 2023 was to me. When you say the word cancer, people automatically think you are going to die, and you might think that too. But as one of my friends says in my early diagnosis, you are born again, you start taking care of yourself in a matter that you fell in love with you.

…a few years ago, I was in my grandmother balcony after her burial and I said out loud, If I died, I just want all of you to know that I’m okay with it, If for some reasons I have to leave this world, I’m okay with it….my cousin turned his head and said, don’t say that, I replied with a: I’m so happy with my life, I’ve been doing everything that I want, I’ve been everywhere that I wanted to, I experienced love to the fullest, I’ve accomplished all that I always wanted, so if I have to go early in life, be calm as I’m in peace. I was talking about this, years before knowing I had it

>April 2024 was one of the hardest months. I knew I have an appointment at the end of the month, …and I spent all days of that month in bed. I remember someone asking what are you afraid of? I remember closing my eyes and visualizing what really was making me afraid. During my visualizations I realized that even though I am okay with death, I was afraid of the suffering, that I wanted to continue experiencing life to the fullest, to wake up and be the happiest that I know I can be. I made peace with my fears during this process, I am writing about this and crying, I am okay experiencing sadness and fear. I am grateful that I can feel.

>As I know I wanted to go inside during this process, I abandoned my extroverted side, I stopped biking and surfing, I just wanted to be alone, doing practically nothing, I did yoga and meditation more often, I started journaling constantly, I listened to music, and not just listen, I was feeling music, I was just having a dance with myself. I used to go to places, and I was like a shadow, I did not want to talk to anyone, it felt like something in me was off, but I was ok with it. I was transforming into something so beautiful; my introvert and extrovert side were battling all the time. But I found the harmony putting them together.

>I spent so many hours, days in doctors, and I remember my holistic doctor saying have you cried already about the news? I said, I haven’t taken the time to even accept it. I just knew about it and started making appointments to see millions of doctors, it is interesting how you need to figure it out by yourself how to deal with it in your mind, I remember watching a documentary about healing, Someone cure himself just saying to his mind how to do it and visualizing the end result. I researched a lot about this. I watched a lot of videos to learn about how my white cells were mutating. How are they created and what my treatment was doing to them.

>One random day I did not plan this that much, I went to my bed, I put my meditation playlist, and it sound weird but I went inside myself as a bird, I remember going to my bone marrow, I told what she needed to do, I remember the bird killing all my bad blood cells, and telling me he was tired, when I told him that it’s ok that he can rest, he went all the way through my back until my head, when he arrived, I started shaking and then it was a moment of quiet, peacefulness where I wasn’t thinking, I enter in a state of mind that that it was nothing, empty, peaceful, it was like I existed but I didn’t. I was feeling but I did not, it was so calm, I fell asleep right after. I woke up and I told myself I am cured. I remember going to the doctor to read my labs and he told me you went down from 73% to 12% cancer cells, and I said to him, are you sure is not 0%? I was feeling and acting as I had nothing, but somehow scared inside. I went to a second session with my bird, I put the bird to work, and this time I told him you cannot come back until you finish cleaning all my bone marrow.

>exactly one week ago I received the news that the cancer was NOT DETECTED. And something in me changed. It felt like I was resting for a while and now I woke up, feels like I am back, but I forgot how to be like before. I am navigating this new me and exploring different ways on how I want to live my life from now on. Some people get diagnosed and start doing things from their bucket list, things that always wanted to do and for some reason never did, in my case I wanted to do nothing, absolutely nothing, and that is what I did. And now that I feel a little bit more free, as I still need to keep fighting for a few more years, now that I accomplish this step I will keep going, I discover my purpose a few years ago and as one of my doctors said to me, you will go through this chapter of your life because there’s something about you that it just sparks, you are energy and you will look back one day and say…I overcame this. ….I will continue living my purpose.

>So now I can go back to my holistic doctor and tell her that yes, I cried, after one year I cried everything out. I remember crying in the hospital when they told me what might be happening, when cancer was only a suspicion, I cried so loud that one of the nurses came to me hugged me so hard and told me that everything was going to be ok. This time when the cancer cells were at 0%, I hugged my doctor, I hugged my friends, I even hugged a random person in the elevator. I screamed in the lobby of the parking lot; I sent messages to all my close friends. The most important person in your life is the one that when you have good news you want to just call and scream it. I called my mom, and I said ''not detected, mom'', the relief in her voice, she said ALELUYA DIOS! When she said that I confirmed that she had been praying for me nonstop every day.